bloop.

so im kind of tired of.. being tired all the time.

it's getting kind of..tiring.

tired of everything. tired of trying to forget everything. tired of trying to move on. tired of trying to move on by not doing anything. tired of saying 'tired'.

period.

done.

kay, it's as simple as that.

It gets depressing after a while. After all the hurricane and tornadoes that I bypassed and let through my life. You know what 'they' say. There's always a first for everything. But I never hear, there's an 'ending for everything'. These past couple of weeks, actually this whole month thus far, has been an emotional roller coaster, with addition to school drama and stress. I'd have to say, May of 2010 was the most brutal part of grade 12, especially because it's grad/prom month. It's the month where people get accepted in uni/college, also the month where people accept that they don't want to go to uni/college, also the month where everything in your studies is cramped up your ass and gives you constant discomfort. It's time to grow up people.

It's a part of life. You either go with the flow of the current, or try and win against it. OR YOU CAN DO BOTH AND RIDE IT, and make it yours. (Easy way/Hard way/Angel's way) All up to you.

It's time for me to get back up to my feet. Simply by riding life and trying my hardest. There might be troubles up ahead, and it knocked me down once, and I highly doubt it wouldn't knock me down again. But all I gotta do is get up. No more emo blogs. No more heart broken drama bullshit. No more fairytales but happy endings. It's time to show the world MY guns (not to kill PANDORA) and shoot them like no tomorrow.

Bloop there goes the non motivated, depressed, sad, mind-fucked, cry-baby, pushover, me.

I didn't say that they won't come back, nor they won't hit just as hard or twice as hard as before.

But I gotta keep faith. Hope in tomorrow. Live in today. Trust everything in God. Believe in Jesus. Love my friends and family. Love myself. It would be hard to love myself, but i'll try, and do my best, so that someday, I may love another and in turn would love me too.

Godbless.

Angel is back.

FTW?

so what's this supposed to be huh?

'Do you ever just sit and wonder, 'What the HELL am I doing?''. ARE YOU fucking accusing me of something?.. What the hell am I doing wrong now to make Ms. perfect so mad?

Oh hell no. Don't tell me you read my blog and found out that I was in effing Lethbridge. UGH!

You know what the worst part is?.. I did it to just be rid of you, and u of L because I applied for the wrong reason. I didn't want to go there. First year doesn't matter, but they offered me a 15000 dollar scholarship. I can't just email them and tell them no i don't want to go to your school. I got accepted into SFU already so why would I still go there. For you? HAH. I was willing to. I was willing to give up and pour everything for you. But then I realize, and WONDERED, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?" YEAH. It was a stupid choice, and I took responsibility for it, by going to U of L to my sister's bestfriend's place to formally decline. NOT FOR YOU. And it was a scary coincidence (IDONT CARE IF YOU DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME) that the wrong phone number was ur kind little brother; if it weren't for him, Who knows where I would have been, probably never heard of again, then the cops would be looking for me; then so many people around me would be affected. Might not be you, but my parents, my friends, my sister, and my sister's friends.. all because I got lost in stupid lethbridge taking it up all by myself.

I know I needed to be alone. And the adventure rush in Alberta was pretty overwhelming and scary, and hopefully will not happen again.

Seriously though, your brother, I never meant to call him. I was lost and desperate. I never knew it was him until he told me who he was. I never asked for his name. I never AND WOULD HAVE NEVER ASSOCIATED with him if I knew he was ur brother. That's why I keep wondering why am I getting constantly linked to you again.

Every depressing thoughts, every tear I shed, has led me no where but distant to you. And I knew that's when I start to heal. Time heals wounds. (any kind of wounds). But every depressing thoughts, every cry baby moment, there's always something, a little things that cheers me up and gives me hope. Even though I CLEARLY know that there isn't. I've accepted that. I've given in to the fact that you will never give me what I want, and that you won't accept me as that. We both know it's not going to work out. But don't fucking post on fucking hotmail. where ur stupid account "Jane Sweet" is still fucking there. Don't fucking tell me that I don't sit and think about what I'm doing. Even if it might be sarcasm and who knows I might be taking it the wrong way. well this is my blog.

Just to put it out there.

I'm bored atm and I love to rant.
I can keep ranting all day about shit that pisses me off.
That's all :) ROAR. LOL.

graff is art.

U of L staircase. Honestly, it wasn't a waste of $75, they pretty much covered me for everything. I know my average isn't that bad, but it's not good either. Seriously $10,000 scholarship? Just proves people don't sign up for these things so they don't get it. I applied, and got accepted for the wrong reasons. And it was stupid. It's like all the decisions I've been making are stupid and just stupid (that's the only word coming into my mind about myself). And now when I try to make things right. Something new comes up. IF YOU GOT A MESSAGE GOD, PLEASE JUST SAY IT TO MY FACE. Why is this happening to me!!!

AAAAH!

ANYWAYS. THIS WALL...

It was pretty sick.

iM glad no one follows me, so I can basically treat this as a rant off site, and if I get found then lucky you. I'd prolly tell my friends. Eventually.

Of all the fateful/coincidental nights

Of all the nights. I decided to settle Lethbridge once and for all. I received a major entrance scholarship and an extra scholarship because of extra deeds. The ticket to Lethbridge wasn't really that pricey. I went to the airport right afterschool and just before I left, I messaged Eric my big sister's best friend and asked for his telephone number, so that when I arrive at the Calgary airport I would just call him up to pick me up.

Funny how fate loves playing with you. And hidden and tucked feelings, just keep emerging and reminding you of the stupid decisions you make. Great. U of L now wants me and offered a scholarship, but not for rugby, so it wasn't worth it. Parents said to make sure I get to Lethbridge nice and safe, and at be rested at Eric's sister's place by nightfall.

I know I'm a rebel, but this time, I really didn't mean to stay out as late as 9 lost in North Lethbridge. And to make it even better, the number that Eric gave me was not the right number. Luckily someone picked up at the other end and lived in Lethbridge. This was not a set up plan for me to sabotage the person that wants me to go away. I came to Lethbridge so that I can leave her behind and get back on my feet. She didn't want me, and I don't want to stay depressed. So I figured going there and formally declining U of L's offer would be the proper thing to do. Plus this way, I can spend time with my sister's delirious best friend (he's pretty cool) and maybe get some advices and just chill.

BUT NO. After waiting in Calgary until from 3pm-5 pm, I decided to take the bus and ask the nice tourist guide how to get to Lethbridge. It was a 3 hour bus ride to the middle of no where.

I'd like to say this was the most fun I've had, going to a foreign place with no way back. I arrive at North Lethbridge. I figured, what the heck, it would be more convenient for Eric to pick me up at Lethbridge anyways. So I walk around, and found that my iPhone got stolen from my pocket. GRREAT. Luckily I found my phone that I've been missing for a week in my bag ready to rumble and I've got my iTouch (oh mac products), but then there was no wi-fi, in this scary place at the middle of nowhere.. with sketchy people walking around.

A 17 year old girl trying to take it up on her own. Not a good idea.

Stupid. Stupid. AAND stupid. Are the three words that would describe me perfectly.

Remember the wrong phone number I mentioned earlier? Well... this person (who I assumed was a girl/ a 50 year old pedophile) and I had a texting argument about me being lost and me accusing him of being eric. Yes, it wasn't eric, and I was convinced when I decided to call him, and ask for directions to University of Lethbridge. Yeah. He helped. ALOT. I didn't know a stranger would just help me like that. He even offered me a ride, for all he knew, I could've been a murderer or a serial killer on the loose luring 17 year old boys with the magnetic personality. It didn't help that he was similar to her; I was "making his life more interesting". I fucking hated it. I wanted to just get lost and UGH. He knew my middle name(coz he asked who it was,i thought it was eric playing a prank on me..), the name that Eric calls me. 'Rose'.. yeah so he told me his name. And guess what. I knew who he was. I freaked.

He's 17, and COINCIDENTALLY.. the person who just' broke up' with me, yeah that's her little brother. OF ALL THE FREAKING WRONG NUMBERS IN FUCKING LETHBRIDGE. IT JUST HAD TO BE HIM. WHY AM I CONSTANTLY GETTING CONNECTED AGAIN?

This is torture. When I thought I was getting better... I'm getting sucked in by another link.

WHY...WHY ME!?

Well *****, kept me company for a little while. His number and Eric's number were a number off.. 1, and it had to be him. Is this fate or coincidence? He's pretty interested in me, but I won't look into it. It's too much. Too painful.

He's charming and sweet, just like her. And he was willing to pick me up =.=.. a stranger.

My heart just keeps beating faster and faster, to the thought of her. My mind is filling up with her again, and it feels so good, so right. It's like she never left again. And slowly, I sink back into the hole, that hole.

I wanted to meet him, I know it wasn't right, I know that just because I'm in Lethbridge doesn't give me any right to associate with any of her friends, HER and especially her family. It's all too close, and she doesn't like that. I don't like that. But I asked him anyways, because I was greatful that he helped me so much (he gave me a cab number and offered me a ride.. how helpful can he get. SHIT this dude is f-ing awesome), to have dinner with me and Eric, because since I was there already and Eric was willing to pay for me coz he got me lost.

I still don't believe that it was actually him. Of all the people. And he helped me, which draws me more to him. I let go the second he told me his name. I wanted to smash the phone. He said he'll add me on fb. And I don't want him to. We're too closely connected. And I don't want to rat her out. She's one of the most special persons in my life.

I won't let the needy, snotty little 17 year old stranger ruin their relationship as bro and sis.

Anyways. I'm at Jannelle's place right now and she knows my sister too. It makes sense.. no one's home, y'never know where they fly off to. Eric covered my costs to get here and back. I'm pretty lucky that he's loaded and doesn't care; he did however feel really guilty/angry. He gave me a good yelling conversation when I got there. He was "worried sick" that if I didn't make it until 11, he would of got the cops to search for me and all. And it didn't help that he gave me the wrong phone number.. so this night was pretty lucky for me too. But that doesn't change anything that happened tonight. What am I supposed to do now? Of all the 80,000 possible residents in Lethbridge that I could've had a wrong number to. It had to be her little brother, who is my age, and DID I MENTION WAS HER LITTLE BROTHER?.. oh mon dieu, why is this happening to me. Just kill me already.

Ps. I took the cab, it was fucking expensive for a 30ishminutes ride. (stupid cab don't know what 'flat rate' is)

Setting up sunday

I know I've been pretty "off" this week. But Sundays are just the best. Being a Catholic doesn't REQUIRE me going to church. I had a rant about that in my other blog, but it's just a friendly reminder to many out there, that it's holy. I go to church because it's the house of God, it's where worships are proclaimed to him and celebrated with many who has faith in him. It's not a requirement, it's a vocational choice. It's made me feel much better.

Speaking of which, I've received communion again. For the past weeks, I've only been asking for blessings, because I feel like "I'm not properly disposed" ; I keep thinking that all I'm doing, liking such person, is a sin. Well if I keep thinking that, if I keep dwelling on the fact that it's VIEWED as a sin, well won't it just become a sin? Won't she just become a sin? Last night's family guy scene, Lois said to her mother, "so a straight couple who don't love each other have more right to get married, that two homosexuals who do love each other".. then her mother said, "yes honey, that's what we raised you to believe" LOL. The thing is, I'm not thinking about that yet. I'm 17. If I really LOVE her, I would've been over there in Lethbridge proposing to her to be my wife and we should gallop away where no one will ever find us. Although I already made a couple of unnecessary steps towards that point, I didn't even meet her yet. I don't know what she'll be like, I don't know what she'll think of me, all I know is that there's this feeling I have for her. It was just too overwhelming, that I poured everything into it. Now I'm on my ass. SUNDAY, going to church, receiving Jesus in me again, letting him help me up, just deflated that massive feeling of loss.

God doesn't want me to be unhappy. He doesn't want her to be unhappy either. He doesn't want anyone to be unhappy. :) I love you GOD!

I just really miss talking to her now though, I feel so empty and boring.

Back to Sunday. It was grreat. We had a little family picnic outside, and it felt so homey. I rarely get to see my parents and spend time with my bro and sisses.. in the hot sun, on a picnic table,played backyard rugby with flipflops and sunglasses with ICECREAM(which was the 'cherry on top'...haha get it.. icecream..haha I get it)!

oh the little things.

I've been wandering the open web looking for a cure for a broken heart. It made me laugh a little, how desperate I've become, how stupid I look, how wasteful and unwilling I've been this past week. It almost gave me a light feeling. Light as in, not heavy ; as in breathing normally again, really smiling and getting back on my feet..light. It's freaking sunny out. I'm dark and light. Haha.

God just keep finding his ways in the little things, because we look for him,PEACE, HOPE, LOVE,RUGBY, in the bigger things. They do matter. It's just that we tend not to notice the little things(which was probably used too often and thus labelled cliché. oh well). For example yesterday: Thursday.

>I was ready to cry because I felt just so out of it, caught myself thinking about her and it obviously hurt. This was what my mornings were like this week. Then as I walk up the hill, I try to find a way to just dry up the upcoming tears so I look to the blazing sun, and then looked to the right. This little old lady from the house#11205 that I use to call the cab for (if I call the cab at my house, it's going to be more expensive *asian*), was putting out garbage, because thursdays are garbage days. As I was about to CRY, she was waved good morning and I noticed she was throwing out ONIONS and picking through them. For some bizarre reason this made me laugh(onions=cry..BWHAHAHA), oh the little things.

> It was the AIM GAMEs. It's an event at school where disabled/handicapped children get to enjoy and practice variety of AWESOME GAMES :wheelchair basketball and such. They get to spend lunch with us too. Majority of the students were warm, welcoming and RESPECTFUL.. (I say 'majority' for a reason) it just totally pisses me off when retarded GP(myschool) students are so stupid to be so inconsiderate, disrespectful goofs. I told off some of them, and it was saddening that some were from the class that I peer tutor. I walk by, hot-headed (not only because it was effing sunny) and this kid from the AIM games, just smiled at me and said "HII!!!". My chest just lightened again. oh the little things.

There were more 'little things' that just totally made my day, like getting free food, doing a french test in the morning, understanding the respiratory system, having no lunch but getting free lunch.

Although there were these little things, my day was not over YET.

During bio class, I sort of felt this tension between me and Gulay. If you don't know who she is, well she's this girl, who I consider one of my OOBERLY closest friends. Well our block order was DCBA. So I had bio before lunch. I was focusing on bio and understanding it, but she wasn't talking to me, so in turn i didn't talk back. We kind of get that often in Ms. Finnson's class, but in Ms. Farquhar we didn't sit beside each other, so she turns around and talk to me and Roxette. Nya.. so she asked "wanna go to subway with us?". I guess I was still in my gloomy mood, because, (I know i sound like a stupid broken record) a person was clouding up my mind. I didn't mean to sound angry/pissed off, but I said " NO, I don't have money (or lunch)".. and it went to a semi-awkward silence and I turned and kept doing my work. She often keep turning around to Roxette and Anh, and I didn't want to seem like I'm turning around because gulay's not talking to me, so I just forward and not say anything to anyone.

Lunch time. Claire and Roxette asked me if I wanted to go to Dairy queen with them. Of course I didn't have money so one of them would have to pay for me. When we came there we came across the topic..BIO CLASS. yeah.. I wasn't angry, and according to them I didn't look angry either, Roxette just thought that I was focus and didn't want to be bothered. But I let her know that was not only the case. I didn't talk ill of anyone, which often times are assumed. Then Nikit,Deion, Gulay, Shiela and Anh came back from subway or something,and walked in Dairy Queen. No one said hi or anything to us, cept for Shiela.. but it took her quite a while. Anyways, it was sort of an awkward meeting, and I felt the tension sort of lower down today though.

Sr.Boys Rugby game, I'd say it was a good and sunny game. South Delta, the school and the people seemed like hillybillies, first of because of the truck and cow shit fields..felt like farmville that my mom plays every morning. It's kinda sad, she spends more time on a stimulated farm on facebook than actually spending time with her children. Often times I kind of missed those times when I'd wake up and breakfast was served already.

AAnyways. Their first tri against our guys, was this lunatic showoff that squirted through the flat line.(winger pinched).. and he was basically running like a moron waving his hands to the fans on the back of a truck. Absolutely no class. But anyways.. this guy #49, was dirty mouthing me off, and I guess this gr 11 guy in our team, Dustin I think was his name, well he sort of almost got into a fight with him, and so he got put in the sinbin, and so after the game, he said he got pissed off Oh the little things.

So they're in the finals for regionals. Wished we got that far.

Although these little things distract me, make me happy, lighter ; it doesn't take away the pain that I always feel. I just can't get over it. It shouldn't be a big deal to you. I know we never were meant to be, I mean, from the start, I thought it would just be a little fling, once you found out im 17.. you won't talk to me again. 6years, is a big gap. But it didn't feel like that talking to you, I fell too deep, too fast. And right now I feel like crying and whining, like the little kid that I am. But it didn't help that we got too close, that you got to know me, and I got to know you.

I'm in my right mind right now. And I shouldn't have told you that I was in love with you. I meant it not just because I was caught in the moment. I've never done anything like that for anyone, I would of never give up or risk my all for someone before. Right now, it's harder to try and forget you, than get to know you. With all the other stresses, I'd have to say that you were the LEAST of my worries, because I got used to being with you, keeping you company and all. But I was just entertainment right? Someone who just gave you a "confident boost". Well hunny, I'm not a game. I love you. I meant it. God put forth these little things to get me back up. To maybe heal and get myself organized again, make it better like I was when we were still in touch. You're probably better off without me anyways. I'll live to fight another day,so fyi, I'm not giving up, on life, on you.

I hate people who writes too much.

I write too much.

But this is how I feel.

Deal with it.

All in one day..

All in one day, you seem fine.

All in one day, you're motivated and back on your feet.

All in one day, I wonder if I made a difference.

All in one day, fairytales and happy endings don't exist.

Today, was one of those days where everything you just did, you realize, you think it over, you reflect.

The fact that you got over it so quickly just made me even more prone to giving in. That's what you wanted right? For me to give up, for me to hate you, for me to forget about you. It would be easier that way, for me. I wonder if you're being kind or being a selfless idiot who can't seem to realize that I'm in more pain without you.

Once again, I'm stuck in a hole. I thought you helped me up that hole I was in. Oh how dark it was. so dark, that my mind is scared to death. It's just my body moving around, acting like everything's okay, the regular fake that I am, that everyone wants to see; My mind.. not there.

Everything is over. period. no dot dot dot. it's just done. The moment I realized that this morning, I didn't even want to go to school. I felt like I've been pushed back into the hole, dug deeper by the very person who helped me out of it. I'm not blaming you, my heart is. My logic says something different, I'm smarter now, but my heart isn't smart. It's crushed, and crippled, yet it still calls for your name, only sees your image, only yearns for you. $184.

$300 in my chequings account, about $400 saved up from work. I was good to go.

Oh how I prayed.

Prayed that once I see you, and you see me.. that things might change. You won't see me as a game, you'll see how serious I am, how dedicated I can be, and how I truly feel about you. I'll admit, I am dwelling into something that might not even happen. I take the most stupid risks, that they're not even worth it. Risks that involves everything and everyone around me. God, am I going to get through this? Is this an obstacle for me to overcome? Should I give in or should I fight? The more questions I asked, the more foul and sad my mood becomes. PE girls, grade 8 plus volleyball and hyperness, was not a good morning.

Half of the class was bugging me so much, that I started swearing at the goofs and unfortunately the non-goofs as well. I felt horrible.

I just imagined someone else. Then Laura got the spike on the head. Laura Anderson, taller than me, gr8, brown eyes, brown hair, white skin and lean. Now who does that remind me of? Again, I was angry enough to hit her head, and make her stumble on her ankles. Yes, I'm a monster.

But all in one day.

School was horrid, until French class. We went to this presentation about some social stuff, about drinking and driving and all that shit. I felt so bad to the core, that I felt that God had to hold me down to prevent a psychotic mental breakdown. Then so it began. Began to heal. Kevin Brook's story. Their story. He was probably one of the coolest and most rad dude I've ever met. His presentation when he was younger, loved to party, loved to drive, now is stuck in a wheelchair. You had to be there to understand.

This healed my crippled heart. Him and his friends, their story, his words, the feedback from the audience ; felt like they gave my heart crutches to help it up.

I thought that it would take the longest time to heal up again. I thought about her. We're young, we should take the time, to pace ourselves, and reflect, on what might happen..who might get affected.

All in one day, I thought it would take another 3 long, sleepless, painful years.

After the best presentations a person, pardon, a group of friends (3 could not make it, because they're in heaven watching down, watching down on those people making stupid choices like they did, watching, and acting through Kev..) could ever advice teens. Car crashes is the number one teen killer, next is suicide. It's cliché to resort to those. But those presentation saved me the $128 dollar trip to Lethbridge, probably getting lost, and staying there until rescue finds me. But I realized this would affect my friends, my parents, even her, it would be a bother for her if she ever finds out; unlike Kevin, he learned it the hard way. Thanks man, you really "had my back" there.

Just because my heart had crutches, didn't mean that I can walk, didn't mean that I didn't hurt. I no longer believed in miracles, no longer believed in happy endings, and as bio class approached, the sight of Mrs. Finnson's face ; I no longer believed in the impossible.

All in one day, after the presentation. Mrs. Finnson is back from med leave. She had what was called "TTP"-Thrombotic Thrombocytopenic Purpura, basically her platelet count dropped from 150-400 platelets per 1mL, to 2- nothing. Her immune system was attacking her platelets that were wrapped around by a weird protein called "ADAM S13", the immune system thought that it was a foreign substance, thus destroying it along with her platelets. Also, "Purpura"- heavy bruising. She was dying. hanging by a thread. seemed like all hope is lost. no doctors could figure it out, then an emerging pre-med doctor miraculously left her house at 3 am to check out Ms. Finnson. Then she said, it was TTP, her immune system must get shut down. Long story short, (although it was already long).. she survived. Impossible, I don't think so.

All in one day, made me feel like I didn't lose the person that I poured everything into. God is so good to me, that I feel like this "love" that I felt, may just be something that I was suppose to experience to be prepared for the future, to reflect on what might/ could've happened if I didn't go to school today.

All in one day...

the feelings of sadness dissipated. I have something to look forward to. She's still special to me. And if she wants me, I'd probably go; but somehow, the heavy, tight feeling in my chest is slowly fading. I know it'll never be gone, because I've just let her go, and she let me go (easy). I will never give up on her, and it's my stubborness acting up.

But today, instead of landing on my ass from last night's goodbye, today it's like I landed on an awkwardly soft pillow that hugged me.

She's gotta live her life and I've gotta live mine. Whatever happens is God's will, and in God's time.

In God's name we praise. Amen.

I'm dying..

Why are you doing this to me.

I'm dying.

Crying, Pleading, Begging. To save what was never there. I still try. I need you, want you, accept you for everything that you are. I've never even met you, yet I feel so deeply about you. I know I'm not much, I'm not someone to be proud of, not someone you can be with in public. "People would rather see men holding guns, than holding hands."

I've committed a sin, you said I was your favorite. Why does everything have to be depicted so perfect. Why are you so beautifully made, for someone else and not me. Why am I so subject to seeing you and I together, and end up just getting hurt in the end. I've gone to the depths, that I put you first before my future, I even let you affect my future. I've never done this for anyone, and probably won't do this for anyone ever again.

I want you.

Just you.

And I want you to love me with everything you have. I want to be with you every second of the day, I want to take care of you, and give you my everything.

I know this isn't about what I "want", but it's about what "needs to happen".

But I feel that you're the only one that saved me, and capable of doing anything to me. I need you. God has been trying to help me for so long, that he made me meet you. And I felt the love for you since day 1. I've been happier and felt more upbeat.

You turned my morbid life around in an instance. You've given me hope for something new to me. It's not a phase, it's a step that I took. I know I took at step on forbidden grounds, but God is still with me, he wants me to fight; He thinks I need it, or I'll lose you forever.

I've never wanted/needed, for the first time in my life.. desperately felt the way I've felt for you. God knows I need you, he knows that you'll help me grow, and I'll help you. He wants us to be together, even if human minds think it's wrong. I love you. This is the very true feeling that everyone yearns for, that God present, that I've found, and will never let go of. Even if it kills me, even if I have to risk everything, my whole life, achievements. Nothing means more to me than you.

You know, and God knows this is true; look in my heart. And you'll see that it's true love, that no one else can EVER give me.

been quite a while.

So my other blogger thing was officially left behind. If you don't know what it was, too bad. So today I decided to make a new one with my official email address. I've been trying to get my life organize this past year, and so far it wasn't working. It was progressing however, due to a significant person, that I'm sure would not like a shout out. But, I will mention them anyways. Today, I just confessed my undying love for them, and of course, it was a bad idea. Never should I have done that and it was stupid. But I had to get it out, because this person was basically my drive to having achieve all the things I've done this semester. If you didn't already know (if you've read my past blogger site you'd know) that I was emotionally scarred for my ex's leave to Japan in grade 8. WE had this long distance relationship for 3 years, and so my butt was glued to the chair and hands on the keyboard at 2am in the morning until about 4-5 am.so I atleast get 2-3 hours of sleep before school. I didn't really have a life until grade 11, when the almighty sport of rugby was introduced to me, which turned my life around. Aaron, truly mind that I'm still talking to him, in a way that I'm still hoping that something's there. Of course there'll always be something there, but it's not what it was before. He basically know me from inside out, and lately I haven't talked to him, because he has a life. LOL.

Anyways, this person that I've been associating with, affected some of my bad habits, in a matter of months. It was just a bonus that they played rugby as well. Although, this may all seem too good to be true, this person is miles away as well, and they're someone that I really want to see, everyday. They also have an "age complex".. we have a gap of 6 years, as old as my big sister.

I just wanted to thank this person for everything, because it got me jump starting again, however, I may not recover from parting if they decide to accept my confession or not. No one has ever put this effect on me, this is very very odd. I wasn't this crazy over Aaron, and if I was asked to chose who I'd marry, it'd be him (because we just know each other so well and got enough of each other, we might as well be married). But this person, is very special, in alot of ways, the way they talk to me also adds to the tension that I feel now, I don't know if this person will feel the same way as I do; and it's driving me insane. I've never felt the urge to be with someone, because it's wrong in alot of ways possible. I can't let go of this person. They're so beautiful, smart, loving, able to cheer me up with just saying 'hi' or something. This person has had such an impact on me.. that I'm always in a happy mood when they talk to me. The problem is, this person is pure sarcasm, almost everything that this person says has some sarcastic juice dripping on it.

I've never been IN love with anyone except for Aaron, but that's because, he makes up everything I want in a man, I thought I'd never feel anything like that for anyone.. but still.. the "love" i feel for this person, is way different, it's more dominant which is the odd part. I'm going mad just thinking about it.. that I feel like I'm just typing things over and over again.

This person thinks that they're bad and all... and that I shouldn't fall in love with them, because I would just get hurt. And I knew that, all in all, but I was just in denial. I wanted to just live my life and get on with it. But I can't let them go.

This person 13-14 days ago, just told me that the definition of our relationship should just be "friends".. and I know this because I've made a journal (which is weird again) of everyday, of all my thoughts, activities, of having us as "friends". It's weird, I don't keep track, and looking at the stuff I wrote, it makes me cry. I'm desperately in love with this person. It almost influenced my post secondary decisions (which is still possible, because the school that I looked at had rugby and the course of my choice). But today I spilled everything..I dont know what's going to happen.