God just keep finding his ways in the little things, because we look for him,PEACE, HOPE, LOVE,RUGBY, in the bigger things. They do matter. It's just that we tend not to notice the little things(which was probably used too often and thus labelled cliché. oh well). For example yesterday: Thursday.
>I was ready to cry because I felt just so out of it, caught myself thinking about her and it obviously hurt. This was what my mornings were like this week. Then as I walk up the hill, I try to find a way to just dry up the upcoming tears so I look to the blazing sun, and then looked to the right. This little old lady from the house#11205 that I use to call the cab for (if I call the cab at my house, it's going to be more expensive *asian*), was putting out garbage, because thursdays are garbage days. As I was about to CRY, she was waved good morning and I noticed she was throwing out ONIONS and picking through them. For some bizarre reason this made me laugh(onions=cry..BWHAHAHA), oh the little things.
> It was the AIM GAMEs. It's an event at school where disabled/handicapped children get to enjoy and practice variety of AWESOME GAMES :wheelchair basketball and such. They get to spend lunch with us too. Majority of the students were warm, welcoming and RESPECTFUL.. (I say 'majority' for a reason) it just totally pisses me off when retarded GP(myschool) students are so stupid to be so inconsiderate, disrespectful goofs. I told off some of them, and it was saddening that some were from the class that I peer tutor. I walk by, hot-headed (not only because it was effing sunny) and this kid from the AIM games, just smiled at me and said "HII!!!". My chest just lightened again. oh the little things.
There were more 'little things' that just totally made my day, like getting free food, doing a french test in the morning, understanding the respiratory system, having no lunch but getting free lunch.
Although there were these little things, my day was not over YET.
During bio class, I sort of felt this tension between me and Gulay. If you don't know who she is, well she's this girl, who I consider one of my OOBERLY closest friends. Well our block order was DCBA. So I had bio before lunch. I was focusing on bio and understanding it, but she wasn't talking to me, so in turn i didn't talk back. We kind of get that often in Ms. Finnson's class, but in Ms. Farquhar we didn't sit beside each other, so she turns around and talk to me and Roxette. Nya.. so she asked "wanna go to subway with us?". I guess I was still in my gloomy mood, because, (I know i sound like a stupid broken record) a person was clouding up my mind. I didn't mean to sound angry/pissed off, but I said " NO, I don't have money (or lunch)".. and it went to a semi-awkward silence and I turned and kept doing my work. She often keep turning around to Roxette and Anh, and I didn't want to seem like I'm turning around because gulay's not talking to me, so I just forward and not say anything to anyone.
Lunch time. Claire and Roxette asked me if I wanted to go to Dairy queen with them. Of course I didn't have money so one of them would have to pay for me. When we came there we came across the topic..BIO CLASS. yeah.. I wasn't angry, and according to them I didn't look angry either, Roxette just thought that I was focus and didn't want to be bothered. But I let her know that was not only the case. I didn't talk ill of anyone, which often times are assumed. Then Nikit,Deion, Gulay, Shiela and Anh came back from subway or something,and walked in Dairy Queen. No one said hi or anything to us, cept for Shiela.. but it took her quite a while. Anyways, it was sort of an awkward meeting, and I felt the tension sort of lower down today though.
Sr.Boys Rugby game, I'd say it was a good and sunny game. South Delta, the school and the people seemed like hillybillies, first of because of the truck and cow shit fields..felt like farmville that my mom plays every morning. It's kinda sad, she spends more time on a stimulated farm on facebook than actually spending time with her children. Often times I kind of missed those times when I'd wake up and breakfast was served already.
AAnyways. Their first tri against our guys, was this lunatic showoff that squirted through the flat line.(winger pinched).. and he was basically running like a moron waving his hands to the fans on the back of a truck. Absolutely no class. But anyways.. this guy #49, was dirty mouthing me off, and I guess this gr 11 guy in our team, Dustin I think was his name, well he sort of almost got into a fight with him, and so he got put in the sinbin, and so after the game, he said he got pissed off Oh the little things.
So they're in the finals for regionals. Wished we got that far.
Although these little things distract me, make me happy, lighter ; it doesn't take away the pain that I always feel. I just can't get over it. It shouldn't be a big deal to you. I know we never were meant to be, I mean, from the start, I thought it would just be a little fling, once you found out im 17.. you won't talk to me again. 6years, is a big gap. But it didn't feel like that talking to you, I fell too deep, too fast. And right now I feel like crying and whining, like the little kid that I am. But it didn't help that we got too close, that you got to know me, and I got to know you.
I'm in my right mind right now. And I shouldn't have told you that I was in love with you. I meant it not just because I was caught in the moment. I've never done anything like that for anyone, I would of never give up or risk my all for someone before. Right now, it's harder to try and forget you, than get to know you. With all the other stresses, I'd have to say that you were the LEAST of my worries, because I got used to being with you, keeping you company and all. But I was just entertainment right? Someone who just gave you a "confident boost". Well hunny, I'm not a game. I love you. I meant it. God put forth these little things to get me back up. To maybe heal and get myself organized again, make it better like I was when we were still in touch. You're probably better off without me anyways. I'll live to fight another day,so fyi, I'm not giving up, on life, on you.
I hate people who writes too much.
I write too much.
But this is how I feel.
Deal with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment