All in one day..

All in one day, you seem fine.

All in one day, you're motivated and back on your feet.

All in one day, I wonder if I made a difference.

All in one day, fairytales and happy endings don't exist.

Today, was one of those days where everything you just did, you realize, you think it over, you reflect.

The fact that you got over it so quickly just made me even more prone to giving in. That's what you wanted right? For me to give up, for me to hate you, for me to forget about you. It would be easier that way, for me. I wonder if you're being kind or being a selfless idiot who can't seem to realize that I'm in more pain without you.

Once again, I'm stuck in a hole. I thought you helped me up that hole I was in. Oh how dark it was. so dark, that my mind is scared to death. It's just my body moving around, acting like everything's okay, the regular fake that I am, that everyone wants to see; My mind.. not there.

Everything is over. period. no dot dot dot. it's just done. The moment I realized that this morning, I didn't even want to go to school. I felt like I've been pushed back into the hole, dug deeper by the very person who helped me out of it. I'm not blaming you, my heart is. My logic says something different, I'm smarter now, but my heart isn't smart. It's crushed, and crippled, yet it still calls for your name, only sees your image, only yearns for you. $184.

$300 in my chequings account, about $400 saved up from work. I was good to go.

Oh how I prayed.

Prayed that once I see you, and you see me.. that things might change. You won't see me as a game, you'll see how serious I am, how dedicated I can be, and how I truly feel about you. I'll admit, I am dwelling into something that might not even happen. I take the most stupid risks, that they're not even worth it. Risks that involves everything and everyone around me. God, am I going to get through this? Is this an obstacle for me to overcome? Should I give in or should I fight? The more questions I asked, the more foul and sad my mood becomes. PE girls, grade 8 plus volleyball and hyperness, was not a good morning.

Half of the class was bugging me so much, that I started swearing at the goofs and unfortunately the non-goofs as well. I felt horrible.

I just imagined someone else. Then Laura got the spike on the head. Laura Anderson, taller than me, gr8, brown eyes, brown hair, white skin and lean. Now who does that remind me of? Again, I was angry enough to hit her head, and make her stumble on her ankles. Yes, I'm a monster.

But all in one day.

School was horrid, until French class. We went to this presentation about some social stuff, about drinking and driving and all that shit. I felt so bad to the core, that I felt that God had to hold me down to prevent a psychotic mental breakdown. Then so it began. Began to heal. Kevin Brook's story. Their story. He was probably one of the coolest and most rad dude I've ever met. His presentation when he was younger, loved to party, loved to drive, now is stuck in a wheelchair. You had to be there to understand.

This healed my crippled heart. Him and his friends, their story, his words, the feedback from the audience ; felt like they gave my heart crutches to help it up.

I thought that it would take the longest time to heal up again. I thought about her. We're young, we should take the time, to pace ourselves, and reflect, on what might happen..who might get affected.

All in one day, I thought it would take another 3 long, sleepless, painful years.

After the best presentations a person, pardon, a group of friends (3 could not make it, because they're in heaven watching down, watching down on those people making stupid choices like they did, watching, and acting through Kev..) could ever advice teens. Car crashes is the number one teen killer, next is suicide. It's cliché to resort to those. But those presentation saved me the $128 dollar trip to Lethbridge, probably getting lost, and staying there until rescue finds me. But I realized this would affect my friends, my parents, even her, it would be a bother for her if she ever finds out; unlike Kevin, he learned it the hard way. Thanks man, you really "had my back" there.

Just because my heart had crutches, didn't mean that I can walk, didn't mean that I didn't hurt. I no longer believed in miracles, no longer believed in happy endings, and as bio class approached, the sight of Mrs. Finnson's face ; I no longer believed in the impossible.

All in one day, after the presentation. Mrs. Finnson is back from med leave. She had what was called "TTP"-Thrombotic Thrombocytopenic Purpura, basically her platelet count dropped from 150-400 platelets per 1mL, to 2- nothing. Her immune system was attacking her platelets that were wrapped around by a weird protein called "ADAM S13", the immune system thought that it was a foreign substance, thus destroying it along with her platelets. Also, "Purpura"- heavy bruising. She was dying. hanging by a thread. seemed like all hope is lost. no doctors could figure it out, then an emerging pre-med doctor miraculously left her house at 3 am to check out Ms. Finnson. Then she said, it was TTP, her immune system must get shut down. Long story short, (although it was already long).. she survived. Impossible, I don't think so.

All in one day, made me feel like I didn't lose the person that I poured everything into. God is so good to me, that I feel like this "love" that I felt, may just be something that I was suppose to experience to be prepared for the future, to reflect on what might/ could've happened if I didn't go to school today.

All in one day...

the feelings of sadness dissipated. I have something to look forward to. She's still special to me. And if she wants me, I'd probably go; but somehow, the heavy, tight feeling in my chest is slowly fading. I know it'll never be gone, because I've just let her go, and she let me go (easy). I will never give up on her, and it's my stubborness acting up.

But today, instead of landing on my ass from last night's goodbye, today it's like I landed on an awkwardly soft pillow that hugged me.

She's gotta live her life and I've gotta live mine. Whatever happens is God's will, and in God's time.

In God's name we praise. Amen.